Un-A-Muse-Ing

Hrrmmm… so I haven’t been feeling the urge to write for several weeks now. I don’t know why the Muse assails me sometimes, and other times seems coy. I probably need to have some shift in my everyday life to trigger the writing, although there is plenty I could be talking about I guess. I could tell you about Frank’s wedding, although it was a very casual and brief affair, where it was either crowded and hot, or cold and spacious. I just don’t have that much to say about it… I did notice that a lot of conversations that day strayed toward talking about relationships, past and present.

One of my friends is dating Angie, the ex-girlfriend I wrote about some time back. Life is sort of messy that way: you make connections with the people you know, and sometimes that gets a bit tangled. I’m trying my level best not to be jealous, and I did manage to hang out with them and a couple of other friends without it being too awkward. It complicates matters a bit that that particular friend is the one man I have ever had feelings for; in a way it feels like two break-ups at once, although honestly they might keep the relationship open and casual so that’s not even necessarily the end of it… sometimes I feel like I’m not adapted for this modern freeform dating. In another time period I would have just been straight and never questioned it. Now I call myself “mostly straight,” or that I “prefer women.” I’m also really not sure how I feel about swingers and open relationships, it seems like you are inviting in drama and complication to an already complex social dynamic.

I haven’t been touching this topic for a while because there are some people I know I have never spoken to about my experimentation, mostly I mean family and acquaintances, and those people may have access to this blog/journal/thingy. I am generally happy to live my life as a straight guy, and to come across that way, because I really do prefer women. I’ve had feelings for a lot of women over the course of my life, but only one man. With men it’s more like two friends getting together to have a little fun, who are still just friends afterward. Maybe I’ll lose a few conservative readers after this, but there you have it. I wasn’t content to leave my boundaries unexplored, and perhaps I’m better for it… I’m different certainly.

Oh well. Life is complicated, and I spend too much of it playing games perhaps. I just don’t know how to deal with reality sometimes.

No poem today,
as I have other things to
distract my ego.

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