I don’t like dwelling on the past any more, mostly because it’s too easy to do. I spent a lot of time thinking about crushes, about embarrassing moments, about past failures, and eventually I decided it wasn’t healthy and I tried to do less of it. However, once in a while the past will leap out and take me by surprise. This song reminds me of an ex-girlfriend, and it surprises me I still miss her.
I met her at a friend’s Halloween party, on purpose. My friend’s girlfriend was trying to set me up with one of her friends. I thought I had already blown it, because a year previously I had backed out of our tentative date to go out with another woman (it’s not normal behavior for me; besides, usually it’s all I can do to have just one woman in my life). However, she came there that night knowing what she wanted: a hookup. I was blown away by her intense come-hither eyes, and I didn’t have all that much experience (I had only lost my virginity the previous year… yes, to the same woman I had gone out with instead. Believe me, I never heard the end of that.). She seduced me – not a difficult task really – and then a week later after seeing her a few more times she was surprised when I started thinking we were going out, but she was happy.
We weren’t really good for each other. We had love, at least initially, but I wasn’t really ready to be a father to her son from a previous marriage, though I kept awkwardly growing into the role until I loved him. We were both a bit jealous of each other in terms of trust in the relationship (I learned so many lessons in that relationship I should have learned earlier in life), and we were both very stubborn when it came to arguing. I feel that I can at least compromise though; she seemed to have a need to never lose an argument. None of that makes me miss her less when I remember our love though. For all the many crushes I had, she was real. She accommodated my awkwardness, she got into my hobbies, and she could be very sweet when she let her guard down. My friends remember her less kindly, and as I said, we weren’t really good for each other in the end. Right now I miss her though, even though it’s been a few years. Even though I’ve had a few dates between here and there.
masked in pride
you tried your best
but you didn’t hide
you said bitter things
when our parting came,
but when I remember
I recall smiles
aquariums, renaissance fairs,
my fingers in your wavy hair
in the tide of your sea
kinder words you spoke to me
and well I know the tide has turned
the water under the bridge that burned
you’ve cut your ties and now you’re free
you won’t be drifting back
but life is just moments, and it’s no less true
to write a poem for the memory